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I have no idea how my live journal has survived for so many years with so much neglect. Maybe I'll start updating again. We'll see.
Anyway, the last time I posted, things were pretty rocky on this end. It turns out, that was just the beginning. God has been turning my world upside down since about April. Never in my life have I experienced more relentless heartache or agonizing regret. I never knew I could encounter such emotional sorrow. HOWEVER, I would now stake my life on the certainty of this truth: GOD IS FAITHFUL...even when I am not.
At the beginning of 2008, I allowed myself to be crushed under a yoke of frustration, hurt, fear, loneliness, and opposition--all because I would not ask God or anyone else for help. I allowed the enemy to back me into a corner of isolation under the lie that I--at the core of my being--was a disappointment to those around me. When he told me I was not enough, I believed him. When he told me God was mad at me, I believed him. I was terrified that everyone I loved would abandon me if I showed weakness or need...so I secretly bore a yoke of massive oppression. And it was nearly the death of me.
In many ways, it WAS the death of me--of the life I once lived, at least. On my path toward restoration, God has stripped away multiple layers of emotional bondage that have been controlling my life for years. In retrospect, I can see why I was such an easy target for an ambush. I was still hemorrhaging from wounds received six years ago...things so painful I was afraid to revisit them for healing. Instead, I ignored them and moved forward in misery.
My heart is in shambles now, but God is gradually restoring me to the woman He originally created me to be. I have so much hope for my future, I can barely contain my joy. I had so many misconceptions about God and about myself...but now that my eyes have been opened, I know the best is yet to come. God is so good to me.
The thing I am having the most trouble with now is that this horrifying season of my life had epic consequences--not only for me, but for those (him) I love. My sin cost me the greatest gift God has ever given to me (short of salvation), and I can't stop beating myself up. For the life of me, I cannot comprehend how I was able to hurt so deeply the person I love most. Never in a million years (even in my sin) did I ever imagine I would not spend the rest of my life with this person. To be completely honest, I still have not accepted it...I just can't yet. Because the person I became at the beginning of 2008 is not the person I was before...nor the person I am now. And I have never loved another. I'm not sure I ever will.
But the truth is this: I cannot change the past. I cannot control the future. My one obligation is to put all things--past, present, future, dreams, regrets, mistakes--into His hands. I want TO WANT what God wants. I'm not there yet. I still want a lot of things for my own sake. But as God is restoring my heart, He is changing it...making it His own. I am confident that one of two things will happen....(1.) God will give me that which I desire, but only on His terms OR (2.) God will take away that desire.
Until then, I just want more of God's presence in my life. I have never felt more alive than I do right now...never more full of possibility. On that same note, I have never been more acutely aware of my DESPERATE need for Him. Every day, every hour, every moment. I took my life into my own hands for a few weeks, and I lost everything I love most. I am totally convinced that everything good in my life comes through the hands of God my Father. "No good thing does He withhold from those who love Him..." On the other hand, when we step outside the 'umbrella' of God's protection, we forfeit His provision and invite destruction....and heartache...and GRIEF. Unbearable grief.
If anyone ever actually reads this, I apologize for being so transparent here. This post really wasn't necessary or important, but sometimes it's comforting to write with no inhibition (or proof-reading!)
Take care, and Roll Tide.
Anyway, the last time I posted, things were pretty rocky on this end. It turns out, that was just the beginning. God has been turning my world upside down since about April. Never in my life have I experienced more relentless heartache or agonizing regret. I never knew I could encounter such emotional sorrow. HOWEVER, I would now stake my life on the certainty of this truth: GOD IS FAITHFUL...even when I am not.
At the beginning of 2008, I allowed myself to be crushed under a yoke of frustration, hurt, fear, loneliness, and opposition--all because I would not ask God or anyone else for help. I allowed the enemy to back me into a corner of isolation under the lie that I--at the core of my being--was a disappointment to those around me. When he told me I was not enough, I believed him. When he told me God was mad at me, I believed him. I was terrified that everyone I loved would abandon me if I showed weakness or need...so I secretly bore a yoke of massive oppression. And it was nearly the death of me.
In many ways, it WAS the death of me--of the life I once lived, at least. On my path toward restoration, God has stripped away multiple layers of emotional bondage that have been controlling my life for years. In retrospect, I can see why I was such an easy target for an ambush. I was still hemorrhaging from wounds received six years ago...things so painful I was afraid to revisit them for healing. Instead, I ignored them and moved forward in misery.
My heart is in shambles now, but God is gradually restoring me to the woman He originally created me to be. I have so much hope for my future, I can barely contain my joy. I had so many misconceptions about God and about myself...but now that my eyes have been opened, I know the best is yet to come. God is so good to me.
The thing I am having the most trouble with now is that this horrifying season of my life had epic consequences--not only for me, but for those (him) I love. My sin cost me the greatest gift God has ever given to me (short of salvation), and I can't stop beating myself up. For the life of me, I cannot comprehend how I was able to hurt so deeply the person I love most. Never in a million years (even in my sin) did I ever imagine I would not spend the rest of my life with this person. To be completely honest, I still have not accepted it...I just can't yet. Because the person I became at the beginning of 2008 is not the person I was before...nor the person I am now. And I have never loved another. I'm not sure I ever will.
But the truth is this: I cannot change the past. I cannot control the future. My one obligation is to put all things--past, present, future, dreams, regrets, mistakes--into His hands. I want TO WANT what God wants. I'm not there yet. I still want a lot of things for my own sake. But as God is restoring my heart, He is changing it...making it His own. I am confident that one of two things will happen....(1.) God will give me that which I desire, but only on His terms OR (2.) God will take away that desire.
Until then, I just want more of God's presence in my life. I have never felt more alive than I do right now...never more full of possibility. On that same note, I have never been more acutely aware of my DESPERATE need for Him. Every day, every hour, every moment. I took my life into my own hands for a few weeks, and I lost everything I love most. I am totally convinced that everything good in my life comes through the hands of God my Father. "No good thing does He withhold from those who love Him..." On the other hand, when we step outside the 'umbrella' of God's protection, we forfeit His provision and invite destruction....and heartache...and GRIEF. Unbearable grief.
If anyone ever actually reads this, I apologize for being so transparent here. This post really wasn't necessary or important, but sometimes it's comforting to write with no inhibition (or proof-reading!)
Take care, and Roll Tide.
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contemplative
gloomy
sick