'Tis grace that brought me safe thus far

hope

2008-08-31T20:55:14Z

I have no idea how my live journal has survived for so many years with so much neglect. Maybe I'll start updating again. We'll see.

Anyway, the last time I posted, things were pretty rocky on this end. It turns out, that was just the beginning. God has been turning my world upside down since about April. Never in my life have I experienced more relentless heartache or agonizing regret. I never knew I could encounter such emotional sorrow. HOWEVER, I would now stake my life on the certainty of this truth: GOD IS FAITHFUL...even when I am not.

At the beginning of 2008, I allowed myself to be crushed under a yoke of frustration, hurt, fear, loneliness, and opposition--all because I would not ask God or anyone else for help. I allowed the enemy to back me into a corner of isolation under the lie that I--at the core of my being--was a disappointment to those around me. When he told me I was not enough, I believed him. When he told me God was mad at me, I believed him. I was terrified that everyone I loved would abandon me if I showed weakness or need...so I secretly bore a yoke of massive oppression. And it was nearly the death of me.

In many ways, it WAS the death of me--of the life I once lived, at least. On my path toward restoration, God has stripped away multiple layers of emotional bondage that have been controlling my life for years. In retrospect, I can see why I was such an easy target for an ambush. I was still hemorrhaging from wounds received six years ago...things so painful I was afraid to revisit them for healing. Instead, I ignored them and moved forward in misery.

My heart is in shambles now, but God is gradually restoring me to the woman He originally created me to be. I have so much hope for my future, I can barely contain my joy. I had so many misconceptions about God and about myself...but now that my eyes have been opened, I know the best is yet to come. God is so good to me.

The thing I am having the most trouble with now is that this horrifying season of my life had epic consequences--not only for me, but for those (him) I love. My sin cost me the greatest gift God has ever given to me (short of salvation), and I can't stop beating myself up. For the life of me, I cannot comprehend how I was able to hurt so deeply the person I love most. Never in a million years (even in my sin) did I ever imagine I would not spend the rest of my life with this person. To be completely honest, I still have not accepted it...I just can't yet. Because the person I became at the beginning of 2008 is not the person I was before...nor the person I am now. And I have never loved another. I'm not sure I ever will.

But the truth is this: I cannot change the past. I cannot control the future. My one obligation is to put all things--past, present, future, dreams, regrets, mistakes--into His hands. I want TO WANT what God wants. I'm not there yet. I still want a lot of things for my own sake. But as God is restoring my heart, He is changing it...making it His own. I am confident that one of two things will happen....(1.) God will give me that which I desire, but only on His terms OR (2.) God will take away that desire.

Until then, I just want more of God's presence in my life. I have never felt more alive than I do right now...never more full of possibility. On that same note, I have never been more acutely aware of my DESPERATE need for Him. Every day, every hour, every moment. I took my life into my own hands for a few weeks, and I lost everything I love most. I am totally convinced that everything good in my life comes through the hands of God my Father. "No good thing does He withhold from those who love Him..." On the other hand, when we step outside the 'umbrella' of God's protection, we forfeit His provision and invite destruction....and heartache...and GRIEF. Unbearable grief.

If anyone ever actually reads this, I apologize for being so transparent here. This post really wasn't necessary or important, but sometimes it's comforting to write with no inhibition (or proof-reading!)

Take care, and Roll Tide.

Comforting words

2008-04-14T00:56:03Z

In the past several days, I have hurt more than I ever thought possible. My heart is experiencing loss that I cannot begin to describe, and I won't try to. It is not important. What is important is the fact that in the midst of such pain, I feel no despair. God is moving like never before, and He is not letting go of me.
I was reading from the book Breaking Free by Beth Moore today when I came across a passage that really emphasizes everything God has been telling me lately. I decided to share some of it here....

"Life involves change. Change involves loss. Loss involves death of one kind or another. Every time we suffer loss, we encounter an opportunity for the loss to bring gain for Jesus' sake by allowing His life to be revealed in us...

Thank goodness, the loss of something or someone dear never has to mean the end of abundant, effective, or even joyful life for any Christian. Joy and effectiveness may seem to pause for awhile as grief takes its course, but those who allow their broken hearts to be bound by Christ WILL experience them again. Our Savior is the God of resurrection life, no matter what kind of death has occurred in the life of any believer!

Nothing is more natural than grief after a devastating loss, but those of us in Christ can experience satisfying life again. When our hearts have been shattered by loss, we have an opportunity to welcome a supernatural power to our lives. The power to live again on this earth when we'd really rather die.

Perhaps the most profound miracle of all is living through something we thought would kill us. And not just living, but living abundantly and effectively--raised from living death to a new life. A life indeed absent of something or someone dear but filled with the presence of the Resurrection and the Life.

No, my life will never be the same. But the life of a Christian is never about sameness. It's always about change. That's why we must learn to survive and once again thrive when change involves heartbreaking loss.

We're being conformed to the image of Christ. When our hearts are hemorrhaging with grief and loss, never forget that Christ binds and compresses them with a nail-scarred hand.

Life will never be the same, but I have the invitation from Christ to rise to a new life--a more compassionate life, a wiser life, a more productive life. And, yes, even a BETTER life. Sound impossible? It is without Christ."

-<3-

Ouch.

2008-02-13T03:50:39Z

This is your life
are you who you want to be?
This is your life, are you who you want to be?
This is your life,
is it everything you dreamed it would be?
When the world was younger
and you had everything to lose...

perhaps the tide has rolled its last

2006-11-06T19:33:16Z

My gosh, I can't believe I haven't updated in so long! SOOOO much has happened...if only I had more time.

This semester is almost over -- THANKYOU JESUS! (it's killing me in a slow, excruciating kind of way)

Lord, where would I be without you now? I can't imagine life apart from you...especially not life this semester. You are the only reason I press on, and the One who makes everything worth it. Your mercy and your patience never cease to blow my mind.

And now, to give this post some semblance of purpose, I leave you with the truest words I've ever heard:

turn your eyes upon Jesus
look full in His wonderful face
and the things of earth
will grow strangely dim
in the light of his glory and grace...

post-starbucks highhhhh

2006-08-24T15:29:50Z

Ok, is it just me, or was the Hoover football show kind of mind-numbingly dull? Before anyone accuses me of blasphemy against the holy land of Hoover, let me say in my defense that I was actually looking forward to seeing the show. One scene was even filmed at my friend's house, so this is definitely not a complaint fueled by jealousy. I just felt like I was watching Laguna Beach again, only this time with a less-articulate cast. Call me crazy, but lines like "I ain't seen nobody workin out 'ere, " made it difficult for me to take pride in my southern roots. But hey, Hoover is not really the one to blame. This is MTV we're talking about here...

My schedule is looking pretty promising so far. I still have a political science class at 2:00 to check out, but I am optimistic. You've gotta love campus ministries. Nothing says "Jesus Loves You" like distributing free bottled waters and oatmeal cookies.

Looks like I've got 3 and a half hours to kill so I'm thinking I'll squeeze in a power nap. Hope everyone has a lovely day!

72 hours

2006-08-01T21:30:43Z

Only 3 days left at home this summer. It's the time I have been anticipating for months--literally, I've been counting the days. And yet now that it's here, I don't know how I feel. The circumstances I forced myself to 'put up with' all summer seem to have grown on me...so much so that I know it will hurt to leave.

This summer has been (without competition) the most difficult of my life. For one thing, my mom and I have all but destroyed each other trying to live under the same roof again. Then there are my kids at work who have made me want to pull my hair out on a fairly regular basis due to irrepressable energy and skipped rittlin dosages. Between the two, at home and at work, each day has been a battle--exhausting 'til its final moments. Factor in the 4 hours separating me from my best friend and boyfriend and you'll begin to see why I have been wishing my summer away.

But then there are times like last night when my mom and I both tear up because we know it will be so hard to be apart next month. Reviewing the summer as a whole, I'd be lying if I said our relationship hasn't grown by leaps and bounds--it has. I wouldn't trade anything for the past several weeks I've had with her.

And there are days like today when I hug my kids at work and never want to let them go. I'm so beyond thankful God brought them into my life the past two summers...so glad he entrusted this unworthy servant with His precious lambs to look after, if only for a brief season. It's tough to say how much I've learned from this job. From seeing what it truly means to have a child-like faith (naive, dependent, vulnerable) to catching just a glimpse of how God never gives up on me . I seriously doubt those kids will ever know how much I love them....... how I think of them and talk about them constantly off the clock....how I would do anything to protect their fragile hearts and keep them smiling.....how I have prayed for them and wept over them because of the homes many of them return to each day. And for this love to come from ME--a flawed and broken creation....HOW MY GOD MUST LOVE ME!

That's not to say I'm not totally psyched about moving back--I definitely am. In fact, I can't wait to be living in my new apartment (which is awesome, by the way) and passing the nights with Matt and our friends as poor, irresponsible college sophomores. I guess I'm just kind of sad....really sad for things to change. That's just like God--taking 3 months of crappy conditions and producing something remarkably beautiful and priceless.

AHHHH out of time again. This is exactly why I don't need an LJ. Never enough time!!!!

Until then...
-xo

in response to "America's Got Talent"

2006-07-13T02:55:43Z

Matt and I were talking earlier tonight about the new American Idol-esque shows currently in the works. We came up with what appears to be the golden formula for choosing judges:

- a male celebrity B-lister who talks too much
- an overly nice has-been female vocalist
- a terribly cynical, brutally honest, British guy

And I think we can all pretty much agree that David Hasslehoff is a flaming idiot.

just words

2006-07-08T22:33:49Z

Today I've been sorting through and organizing my clothes, jewelry, and such so the big move back to Tuscaloosa won't be quite as nightmarish. All the new furniture and appliances for my apartment are strewn around the house, and I'm heavily anticipating the day I can rip open all the boxes and bubble-wrap.

What is it about novelty that so fascinates me? I mean, when my ipod nano arrived in the mail over Christmas break, I would sit and marvel at it's flawless shine and clear unscarred screen. Seriously, I was, like, scared to touch it for fear that my human fingerprints may breach the perfection. For a few fleeting days, I was on cloud nine--just me and my nano against the world. But eventually, it pains me to say, reality set in...reality being that even breathing too hard around an ipod nano results in irreversible damage. These days my nano looks much like most other semi-valuable electronics I own, with a few scratches here and there--not bad, but certainly not perfect. The story played out as it always does: I pouted for awhile before moving on to newer shinier purchases to make me feel cool. Bottom line--new stuff kind of gives me a sense of starting over. Like a second chance or something.....or maybe I'm just an obsessive compulsive freak who has issues with her childhood.

For the past several weeks, I have been reading through the gospels. I've gotten so watered-down and weary from church and corporate Christianity and who Jesus is made out to be.....I wanted to go back to the source, to what He actually said and did, and what those things really meant for believers today. I have to admit, though I've been raised in church all my life, I've been missing the point entirely. But that could be an entirely different post in itself. As I've been reading, I have fallen in love with Christ all over again. And even more so, I am beginning to see the beauty of his love for others and the great lengths he went to rescue those who needed him so badly.

Yesterday I was reading in Mark about the 'Rich Young Ruler' who desired riches more than God. When the guy tells Jesus why he is a good person and deserves to enter the kingdom of God, Jesus proceeds to tell him that he still lacks one thing (one thing that just happens to be the meaning of life.) Jesus ends up telling him to sell all he owns and then to come follow Him, which makes the rich guy pretty sad since both of them know what matters most to him.

I write all this to say that I noticed something...right before Jesus says the whole "One thing you lack," quote. It's in verse 21.

Jesus looked at him and loved him. (Mark 10: 21)

I can't explain why I kept coming back to these words, but they broke my heart (in the good way). Here's a guy who is clearly a "bad example"....a man I've always written off as some kind of flawed minor character who's brief cameo had a single purpose. An account, I assumed, that was only included in scripture to show us that we shouldn't love money more than God. BUT THOSE WORDS!! This guy is rotten, but Jesus looked at him (seeing his selfish, greedy soul) and LOVED HIM. He didn't scoff at this sinner's delusion...He didn't ignore him even though He knew the man would turn Him down for a life of vanity. Jesus knew this man had always been a sinner, and would die in sin without Him, yet when He looked at Him, He felt nothing but love.

I'm still choked up thinking about it, mostly because I see so much of myself in that man. Reading this, I couldn't help but KNOW that Jesus loves me. He looks at me...a 19 year old who's been given EVERY opportunity to please Him and STILL screws it up....but He looks past those things. Past the filthy rags I hold up as trophies, trying time and again to be worthy of His love....He loved me BEFORE I loved Him....when I was still so far away. HE LOVES ME, and there is nothing I have ever done, or could ever do, to change that.

oops

2006-06-13T15:22:23Z

So basically, due to the chaotic mayhem that is my life, I forgot about my lj......again.

Anywho, here's something to chew on: "Do not work for the food that spoils..." -Jesus Christ (from John 6:27)

3 days down

2006-05-16T02:02:18Z

maybe 4 hours isn't so far apart...

it's going to be a long summer.

reflections

2006-05-08T21:07:50Z

If there has been one definining theme throughout my freshman year of college, this passage captures it best: ²⁷ As Jesus went on from there, two blind men followed him, calling out, "Have mercy on us, Son of David!"
²⁸When he had gone indoors, the blind men came to him, and he asked them, "Do you believe that I am able to do this?"
"Yes, Lord," they replied.
²⁹Then he touched their eyes and said, "According to your faith will it be done to you";
³⁰and their sight was restored.
-Matthew 9: 27-30

I can't tell you how many times I've read these words over the past several months, or how many times I've identified so clearly with those blind men. Walking around in darkness all day--groping along walls to find my way in a cold and unfamiliar land. Like these poor souls, I would cry out each time for mercy and healing. Lord, I needed you so badly--and I knew it. Yet, even in the genuine repentance of my deep despair, you responded not with restoration, but with a question....

"Do you believe that I am able to do this?"

The point, you told me, was not whether I came to you for healing, but rather, whether I truly believed that you were able. And Lord, what stinging awareness of my own hypocrisy you revealed by turning this table. How simple it is, when desperate, to cry for help--not only to God, but to anyone. And cry I did, before lifting one final weak resort to You. If I had even an ounce of faith, I would have first acknowledged that you alone are able to heal, forgive, redeem, and restore.

Suddenly it all made sense. As with the blind beggars, I saw that the catalyst for God's healing power in my life would come not through prayer (prayer alone, that is), but through faith. Thankyou, my sweet Jesus, for what unspeakable volumes of freedom you spoke in just four verses. For healing me of my devout selfishness, my condescending attitude toward my mother, my religious pride, my unwillingness to change, my laziness in seeking You, my criticism of modern church, my hypocritical judgments of others, my impatience for your promises--all blindness, now being restored more and more each day to the vision of the woman you created me to be.

Thankyou for this year, Lord, and for the constant evidence of your grace. Through much joy and privelege, pain and discomfort, you have drawn me unto yourself.

And I have never been more satisfied than I am right now. You are so good.

semi-monthly update

2006-03-30T04:00:04Z

I'm alive. I'm exhausted. I'm broke. I'm happy.

Thank you, Lord, for saving me from a wasted life and giving me a reason to live for something bigger than me.

P.S.- I returned from the coast with a paler shade of skin than when I left. I think it's time for a tanning bed package. So shoot me.

Matt Giles, if you're out there in LJ-land, I miss you and I'm so incredibly psyched that you'll be here w/me and K-Lo next year!! Roll Tide and all that jazz.

here we go again

2006-01-31T21:48:09Z

I know I said I would stop deleting my journal, but sometimes it just hurts to look back (even on the good things.)

But You, O LORD, are a shield about me,
My glory, and the One who lifts my head. -Psalm 3:3